I never thought that I would get this attached to you, I never thought that we would have an end one day, I never thought that the end of us was going to be right before our one year anniversary. Nothing’s official just yet, but you told me you needed time to sort things out, this can only lead to one conclusion.
You swore at me last night, I’ve never had anyone physically swear at me, it’s something I am not willing to accept, no matter who you are. You are no longer who you were in my mind, I am scared of people that swear, I am scared of you. I dont care if you apologized right after, I am scared of you now, I can’t trust you anymore.
Coming home to an empty apartment I cried a lot, I called you but you didn’t answer. You only called back when you got home, you listened to me cry over the phone, but that was all you were willing to do. I need someone that is willing to physically come over and confort me in the midst of the night, I need someone on whom I could rely on.
I feel that our love is too childish and too single-faced. We spend happy times together but when I need you the most, you are never here. You promised me to spend time to talk with me after the news I got from Law School, but you never kept up with your promises, leaving me alone and going to the gym instead.
I am tired of being your occasional girlfriend, It’s either one or the other.
This life is not what I signed up for. I was excited when my parents moved away from Montreal. Now, I am crying myself to sleep. I am tired of my life.
I am tired of being constantly alone. I am tired of talking to my dad only every one month. I am tired of sitting in front of the phone hoping that my parents would call me. I am tired of going back home late at night after practice and having to cook myself supper. I am tired of calculating every penny I spend to make sure that I will have enough money left to pay my bills. I am tired of grabbing every job there is in order to pay my rent. I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
All I initially wanted was a little bit of freedom. Now, I know that freedom tastes bittersweet. I want my life to go back to the way it was before my parents moved away. I want to be able to only have to worry about my school work.
I dont want to worry about finding summer jobs to pay everything next year, about finding a cheap apartment in a safe, about finding a way to move all my stuff from where I live now to my future place without spending too much money… All I should be worrying about is to get into McGill’s Faculty of Law.
My parents keep telling me to stop worrying about money and to ask them for money. Who are we kidding, they just bought a house in Toronto, they dont have extra money for me. I dont want them to be on a tighter budget because of my decision of living away from them.
All I want is a normal life. I think that my only choice would be to go back to Toronto and give up McGill.
Ignoring you hurts me. I dont want to continue. I wanted to call you yesterday, I wanted to go see you today after your final, I wanted to text you every other second in my life. But I can’t. I have told myself to keep a promise and I will keep it.
Seeing that you aren’t noticing my disappearance hurts me. It’s like you didn’t care about me. It’s like I was some form of entertainment for you. I don’t know if it’s because you are too busy, or if it’s because you simply stopped carrying. I know that now is not the best time to play this game, but I have gave up so much for you. I am ready to give up going back to live with my family for you. I just want a confirmation sign that all of this is worth it.
Please let this 9 months together be worth it.